I want to reach my hand across the hole my earthquakes have created
and sew it back together.
But, I am afraid of heights.
I am afraid of everything, actually.
I am afraid that when I wash my wrinkles I will wash my grandma away.
I am afraid that I don’t recognize myself anymore.
I put on too many lotions.
Because, I am afraid that I look just like my grandma.
I am afraid that my house will start on fire at night
and all of my memories will burn with it.
I am afraid of starting over because I don’t know how much fire I have left.
I am afraid of the dream I had when I was eight.
When I was driving a car and had no idea where I was going.
I am afraid to be lost.
I am afraid that you see me as an extremist.
But really, that thought is a figment of your fears.
I am afraid that I am your fears.
I am afraid that my nose will never stop growing and my hair will stop
and one day I will look exactly like my father.
I am afraid to look like someone who doesn't know his own beauty.
I am afraid that capitalism has gotten the best of me.
Boxes block my front door.
I am afraid that I don’t know any other way.
And I am afraid all of the cellophane will suffocate me.
I am afraid of reading the news.
I read the news just to make sure the news is right.
I am afraid the news is right.
And I am afraid the news is so extremely wrong.
I am afraid of the cobwebs in the corners of my house.
I am afraid of the time I spend cleaning them.
I am afraid that sometimes I clean to impress everyone else.
But no one ever comes over.
I am afraid my children will want to have children.
I hold my breath so my grandchildren will have enough air one day.
I am afraid we are using up all of the air.
I am afraid that love has created a pocket of nostalgia in me.
Like an end I don’t swim in anymore.
But, every now and again - when someone moves the way it’s edges did
I am afraid I will fall in deep again.
I am afraid that I will drown and right before my last second I will remember that I can swim.
So, I am afraid that I will try to fly and I will stay in the sky forever.
Because what if I fall in love with the clouds?
I’m afraid I’ll see everything differently
and not be able to tell anyone.
But, I am afraid of heights.
I am afraid of everything, actually.