Transitions are not easy, but always curious and appealing in their own right. They are especially remarkable when I am the only factor driving the evolution and progress. Within the past five months, I have gone inward to really recognize myself. In that time, I have been met with loneliness. The “feel it in your bones, can’t quite shake the sad” loneliness. But miraculously, as I sat and embraced this feeling – (because feelings are always there for a reason) I found comfort in it. You see, I found a different voice that was once hushed by opinion, trend, and imperious behavior that once reverberated my world. It was with this voice that I (finally) realized that sometimes, loneliness is vital, rather than desolate.
When the outward world had an overbearing crippling grip on what it wanted me to believe, I crippled my own truth. In the solitude, when all was quiet, my own doctrine was being whispered, and I had been missing it. Yet now, sitting in this new space, I finally understand all of the lonely times before, when silence screamed in my ears and became the loudest thing in the room. The only noise, in fact. It was always me, trying to speak up. And this time, I chose to listen. I listened to what was best for me, not what was best for everyone else. At times, I drowned in the idea of the selfishness I was showcasing for not helping or appeasing.
Eventually, I came to terms with the notion that if I didn’t sit comfortably in my own silence and authenticity, and listen to my own demands, I couldn’t possibly be able to help anyone in the capacity I was born to help them in. I would never be able to contribute to the best of my ability if I didn’t fully recognize those abilities first. So I became a recluse – and maybe still am. I am getting to know myself and foster by own capabilities – the ones that make me feel happy and empowered, not the ones I am told I need to be. I am sitting in the uncomfortable sea that I used to avoid.
In doing all of it – my foundation has been built around the concept that strength, is not always an outspoken woman. Strength can be unseen. Fortitude can be silent. Empowerment is not always loud – and confidence is worn on the soul.